I am currently going through a divorce. It is what it is. I cannot change it. I cannot go back to the way things were, and in all honesty I don’t want to. As each day passes I see more and more the reality that this truly is a blessing but I still hurt. Hurt has come in waves for me. It has taken many forms: anger, frustration, pain, heartache, fear. I could make a list a mile long but what I wasn’t understanding is why I was hurting so badly over the loss of someone who had truly caused me suffering for years. Why would I cry over that person? Why would it hurt for that person to leave me?
I realized that I was not hurting over him. I was hurting over the loss of the good.
In divorce we often focus on the negatives: he neglected me, he’s leaving me, what will I do now? We are often so focused on the negatives that we completely miss why we are mourning so heavily. In every marriage there are good times. There are good memories. I believe, in my case, that is why I have been hurting so badly. I had some good times in my marriage. I had good aspects of my marriage that I will no longer have now. I had stability and freedom to chase my dreams. I was protected behind guarded gates because we were military. I had food on the table and didn’t have to worry about where it would come from. I had a roof over my head and, again, did not have to worry about losing it. We traveled to see family. We walked beaches. We spent time with friends. Those things, the beneficial and positive things, are why I am mourning so hard.
I am also fearful of the future. What will it look like?
Losing all the good to an unknown future is terrifying. Let’s just be real for a second. I don’t care how much faith you have, a future like that is going to cause your broken human mind to fill with anxiety. Especially as a single mother. I admit, I am fearful but I am not afraid. I am fearful but I do still have faith and I don’t want one more person to tell me that I cannot have fear and faith at the same time. Yes…. I can!! I will not be made to feel less than because my earthly mind is short circuiting right now in the middle of the faith I have that everything will work out. I know it will. I am just broken and need time to mend.
I also don’t want to hear that God has a plan. God has a PURPOSE. He does not have a plan. I am the one that needs a plan that will come alongside God’s purpose so that I can move forward confidently. But first, I have to let go of the hurt.
Letting go of the hurt is the first step in moving toward a new life that will have more good than this season of life ever did. It has always been that way. Each time I let go, I was moved into better. That is not going to change now. The hurt needs to go.
Today, I will share my gratitude for the good that God gave me and then I will hand it right back to Him so that He can give me the gifts He has waiting for me in this next season of life. I believe it will be good. I have full faith in that.